The Tumbling Dice

Alright, my lawyers have instructed me to add a disclaimer at the beginning of this article, so let’s get that out of the way and be clear about this from the outset: Before you read any further, you guys need to know that I do not place illegal bets with illegal bookies on games. (If you want to do it, that’s fine with me.) I know it’s illegal, but I don’t harp on people who speed a little or miss a few minutes on the parking meter, especially if they get away with it. I’m not the police. But, just like gambling, I’m sure the government doesn’t have quite as open a mind about those things as I do. If it’s against the law, it’s against the law... but I’m not going to call the cops if I overheard you put $100 down and gave the points on the first football playoff game last weekend, then parlayed that with $200 on the over/under from the second game.

Now, on to the point of the story: if you have absolutely no idea what that last sentence meant, you need to brush up on your pop culture knowledge... or stop asking me about betting on sports. I’m not saying we can’t talk sports – I would never deprive myself of that joy. I will get into a “spirited discussion” with you about the best brand of coffee filters … and I don’t know the first thing about coffee filters. But when it comes to sports, I consider myself to have more than just a passing knowledge. I’m sure every American male does, to a certain extent, and I don’t mean to imply I can concisely break down a Tampa 2 defense (though I’d love to learn) ... but I know a little bit about a little bit. I love to learn about new things, I’ve always had a passion for sports and arguing is something I pursue as a pastime. I’m not giving that up. But, if we’re talking about putting money down on the outcome of a sporting event – or some minute detail of a sporting event – you have to know what’s going on.

Gambling has been part of almost every culture for as far back as history goes. And as long as there has been gambling, there have been odds given. It only makes sense, really. Unless you have two perfectly matched teams playing each other, you’re going to need to quantify the difference between them somehow. While even the most casual fans would love to see two evenly-matched teams playing a great game every single time, I don’t see that happening until we perfect and legalize cloning. I’m really looking forward to that, by the way. I want 11 Calvin Johnsons going against 11 Tom Bradys every weekend! Until then, we need a point spread to make the action more interesting. No one is going to bet Harvard will beat LSU in football, straight-up... but they might be able to cover a 75-point spread. Might. That’s the joy of the line (or point spread), and the joy of gambling. With a good point line, every game can be entertaining. Harvard doesn’t have to win, they just can’t lose by more than 75 points. It’s thrilling! That’s how Vegas makes its money – the line is set to entice gamblers to bet evenly on both teams.

If I’m going to give you the chance to take some of my money, you need to understand this concept. You really do. I’m not going to bet with someone straight-up on every game. But, the line is just the entrance to the world of gambling – and it’s a big world. The casinos in Vegas offer odds on almost anything sports-related. You can bet on who wins the Superbowl coin toss or who will win the Cy Young award next year. There are odds on almost every one of them. I don’t have time to explain odds, and a quick Google search will undoubtedly offer a clearer definition that what I could give you. There will probably a lot less condescension in there as well. Even if Google does know everything.

Seem a little harsh? It’s not intended to be. I’m not saying I know every rule... and I’m definitely not saying I can win every bet (or even half of them). What I am saying is that I’m not going to give you my money just because you don’t understand how the real game is played. If you want to keep it friendly, we can argue about coffee filters.