Year One: 7 I Do's After I Do

The first year of anything can be a tricky endeavor. Many teachers testify to earning their first gray hair in their rookie year. The first year of college often reveals if a student is going to study full-time, or be a full-time ambassador of collegiate festivities.

The first year for newlyweds is no different. The first year of marriage is a monumental conversion and living with someone can be difficult when you love them. Once the curtain falls and the soft lighting and romantic violin music cease, a more realistic view of your partner becomes clear – which isn’t so glamorous. Everyone looks irresistible with soft lighting and romantic music playing. But in the light of day, with no violins, the quirks that used to be cute are now grating on your last nerve. And you vowed to spend eternity... picking up their socks?It can be a challenge to learn to deal with their quirks and shortcomings in the first year. However, there are ways to tackle the stresses and challenges of life in a way that strengthens your relationship. A couple can live happily ever after, but you have to work as a team and work on how situations are handled as a couple. Kristy Johnson is the Rusk and Panola County Coordinator for The Wellness Pointe’s “VOW” Healthy Marriage Education Initiative. Johnson mediates and educates couples and newlyweds for marital success. So, newlyweds: here are Johnson’s seven rules to overcome roadblocks of the first year – and to keep the violins playing.

RULE #1:
Before you say “I do”make sure that they do.
Johnson is an Erma Bombeck fan, and explains the first rule with a quote from Erma. “People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. Look for something you’ll feel comfortable wearing and allow for room to grow.”

Johnson says marriage should be a lifelong commitment, not something you try on and get rid of in a couple years. “Make sure that you are compatible to begin with and that it isn’t only chemistry that you’re drawn toward, because a lot of people – that’s all they look for.” Johnson says that couples are often prematurely headed to the alter, and overlook discussing important topics. “I purposefully try to bring out all those questions that they haven’t thought about asking before – just to make sure it is something, that it truly is something, that will be durable and last,” she recommends.

RULE #2:
Your puppy’s bad habits are not so cute when they are an old dog.
Better explained, you encouraged a certain behavior and now you are upset at them because they still do it. Bottom line: it’s your fault – you didn’t say anything!

If you thought, “My sweetie never does anything like that,” please examine exhibit A: Tuna Casserole. You can’t stand your wife’s tuna casserole but you say you love it. Be prepared to eat if for the next 50 years because your wife will think it’s your favorite. “She is going to make what she thinks you love,” Johnson spelled out. In such instances, it is important to be honest, and confront conflict in a positive way. Johnson recommends first, saying what you do appreciate: “Babe, I can’t tell you how much I love coming home to a hot meal!” Then, address the problem clearly with some finesse: “However, I’ve never really been a big fan of tuna.”

This is a crucial step because what you said and what they heard may be totally different. A sensitive personality type may hear: “I hate your cooking. You are a bad cook.” Johnson says to make sure they are listening and comprehend that it’s not them – it’s just the tuna casserole. She stresses the importance of having solutions – not just gripes. He can tell her things he does like so together they can come up with a different recipe to replace the tuna casserole.

RULE #3:
Don't get married acting like you can simply change everything you don't like about your spouse in the first year.
Erma Bombeck said, “God created man, but I could do better.” Johnson says this is typical and that many women think they can change everything they don’t like about their partner. They often say, “I’m sure I can change this,” or “I’ll break him of that.” The only person you can ever truly change is yourself. “Concentrating on your own attitude and habits is much more constructive in the long run,” she instructs. Nagging never has, and never will solve the problem. The goal should be to come up with a positive solution that both couples can live with. So, if a behavior of yours drives your spouse crazy – change it.

RULE #4:
Let go of the small stuff.
Johnson loves Erma’s quote that offers insight to rule number four: “No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.” She says that it is important to be empathetic and see each situation through each other’s eyes. “It’s much easier if you give your spouse a break when you realize that your list of annoying habits must be as long as theirs.” At VOW they have a saying they teach couples, ‘My response is my responsibility.” If both partners make a habit of being courteous and respectful when they interact, it’s a ‘win-win’ situation.

RULE #5:
Communication, communication, communication!
Without good communication skills, a marriage can fall apart over something as simple as a half of a leftover hamburger and french fries. Johnson recalled a couple who were on the brink of a divorce over leftovers – literally. She explained that the newlyweds didn’t have a lot of money, so they didn’t go out to eat very often. When they did, the wife ordered heavy meals that were a few dollars more. She always had leftovers and took them home. This infuriated her husband, who in turn would eat her leftovers the next day so they didn’t waste money and food. He was angry that he worked hard all week to pay for the meal and she always ordered something expensive she couldn’t finish.

To her surprise, she would come home and find that he ate her leftovers she was saving for later in the week. Johnson said the couple was on the brink of divorce over leftovers. After talking with the couple, she discovered the wife’s reasoning: “I don’t get to be pampered like this very often so I am going to really enjoy this meal and I’ll have enough for another meal later in the week.” She would be livid that he ate what she was saving. “So he was frustrated at her, and she was mad at him because what she savored and brought home, it was already gone – he’d eaten it,” Johnson said. In reality, if the couple had just talked to each other and explained what they were doing it could have been easily resolved. “If I had my life to live over again, I would have talked less and listened more.” – Erma Bombeck

RULE #6:
Always, always, constantly work on bettering your marriage.
Johnson says happily married couples should treat their relationship like a plant. The plant needs watering, nourishing and it also needs to be a priority. This can become difficult especially when a couple has children. The relationship between the husband and wife is often not a priority. “We have to remember that our relationships need nourishing,” she implored. “We have to go on dates … when you’re in the 15th year of marriage, [romance] tends to go away and it’s vital that you don’t let that go.” Johnson says if you want the romance to last, having date nights and doing things you did together when you were dating will help keep the spark from fizzling.

RULE #7:
Be able to dream with one another.
Johnson says Erma’s quote “It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else,” is important to apply to a marriage. It’s vital that married couples dream with each other. Even when times are tight, Johnson says it’s crucial to have a dream and plan to make it happen together. “Dream big! Go to the Parade Of Homes. Go through homes that are being built.” She suggests making a date night and picking out paint together at Home Depot. An exercise that Johnson does with couples is get them to describe their dream home. If their dreams are the same, great! If they aren’t, Johnson teaches them to blend both visions together so that both people can be happy. A complete list of services and workshops are available at wevownow.com.

Johnson's final words of wisdom: “Just remember that this person is who you have chosen to walk through life with. So, please don’t be nicer to the stranger on the street than you are to the person that you share your life with.”