Sagittarius-ly?

Look deep into my eyes and I will foretell your future... Wait, no, I mean … look into this crystal ball and it will tell your fortune.

Actually, hold on for a minute. I have these cards over here that have a bunch of wickedly cool drawings on them, and I'm almost sure I can figure out the future after a quick game of solitaire with these bad boys.

Hmmmm ... still no winning lottery numbers? Alright then, I've got one more. Let me sneak a quick peek at the stars. Based on my guess at their positions I can figure out almost everything about your personality, love life, career track and, also, what sort of snacks you prefer at the movies.

I make these declarations with tongue planted firmly in cheek. However, that doesn't stop millions of people worldwide from taking this rubbish quite seriously. Recently, when it was announced that the horoscopes for the majority of us had changed due to thousands of years of planetary and orbital shifts, and that there could be a thirteenth sign, those declarations were subsequently retracted. People lost their minds! There was such an uproar that it was covered on all the cable “news” channels, in the papers, online – everywhere. Which, honestly, was surprising. Apparently, some people really and truly believe that floating balls of gas and dust millions and millions of miles away have a real and substantial effect on everything: not only what will happen to you every day, but the very makeup of your personality. Read that sentence one more time. Could anything be more arbitrarily false or insulting to our collective intelligence?

Surprisingly, the history of astrology is quite amazing and inspiring. Actually, no it isn't. Like most “scientific beliefs” held by primitive man, astrology was born out of ignorance and fear. Speaking of, how are those humongous, magical sea monsters guarding the infinite waterfall and the edge of the earth working out for everyone? Thought so.

Most historians believe we have the Babylonians to thank for astrology. They came up with it when taking a break from reading the entrails of dead animals to foretell the future (seriously). The Greeks developed it further, giving us most of the common names for constellations and planets. Originally banned by the church in the Middle Ages, astrology was brought back during The Renaissance, along with other writings of the Greeks. Socrates, Democracy, the Olympics – the Greeks certainly came up with some revolutionary ideas, but no one can be right every time. Maybe we should've left those scrolls in the library (the one that burned down).

Just think about it logically for a moment. Did you know that if you're in space, astrology simply doesn't count? It's based on how we view certain celestial bodies from earth. So, does that mean if I become an astronaut I'm no longer a Capricorn? What about twins? They are born within minutes of each other but can have different personalities and don't have the exact same future. The flaws in astrology are easy enough to see, but this recent announcement was the perfect opportunity to shine a light on this sham on a wider scale. I mean, how accurate could it really be if we're just getting around to figuring out that the maps and charts we were using haven't been accurate for thousands of years?

As a harmless parlor game, astrology probably does no real damage. We've all opened the newspaper and seen something like: “today you will face an obstacle” and felt like it was aimed right at us. Of course it wasn't, but it's still fun to pretend. For those who make life-altering decisions based on this nonsense, it's actually a little scary. If you're basing your financial choices on this drivel, that's a problem for more than just you.

As Willis Reed said after catching teammate Walt “Clyde” Frazier out at a club the night before their NBA Finals game, “You're messing with my money.” On a more humanitarian level, when people use astrology to hoodwink others (taking their money, offering false hope or fabricated comfort) it turns mean spirited. Even the most highly trained and intelligent medical professionals cannot accurately diagnose illness 100 percent of the time. But you're going to tell me my future based on the fact I was born when some balls of cosmic dust lined up with a star that could've burned out 200 years ago? Don't think so. On second thought, I do need advice before applying for that home loan... where's my Ouija board?