SuperParents: Exposed

Fall can be an especially stressful time of year. Back-to-school is on the brain of most every parent in the Northern Hemisphere. Most families gear up for battle: busier schedules, after-school activities, homework and parent teacher conferences. Today’s back to school list alone is so detailed and long, it alone is enough to cause stress! Chauffeuring kids around after school, packing lunches, getting everyone dressed for school, playing homework warden … the list never seems to end for the modern parent who attempts to juggle work and family. Parents that are busy trying to be Super Mom or Super Dad often have little time for themselves.

Brenda McBride, licensed clinical social worker for ETMC Behavioral Health, revealed that the number one reason for disability in the U.S. currently is depression. She says a contributing factor can be feeling overwhelmed by life's circumstances which certainly includes being overstressed and over scheduled, which can contribute to feelings of depression. While attempting to be Supermom or Superdad – they only end up super stressed. Back-to-school might intensify this for an already maxed-out parent.

For parents already juggling families and careers, Camille Brown, Executive Director for Stepping Stone Preschool, Elementary and C. Brown Middle School, says fall can just add more stress onto the already overflowing plate of a parent. “Most families dread new schedules and ... just the unknown. Parents have more on their plate because, in most cases, both parents work and there is usually more than one child in the family.” She explained that new schedules and juggling multiple responsibilities is a struggle for most families. The good news is both experts agree that going back to the daily grind of the school year does not have to be so traumatic...

First, parents that feel stressed to the max and pressured to be everywhere at once – know that you are not alone. McBride says parents often feel guilty about not being able to please everyone and do everything. “If we’re honest, I think what happens is that we feel like we’re doing so many things and being pulled in so many directions – there’s a guilt that’s a very real thing. There’s a feeling of, ‘If I spread too thin am I doing anybody any good [especially if I’m] not doing one thing well or well enough’,” she explained.

In general, McBride says most families benefit from improving time management. Her take is that letting go of little things can relieve unnecessary anxiety and stress. “There’s this terrible word in our vocabulary called ‘should.’ Like, I should be able to make homemade cupcakes for my child’s classroom or, I should do the birthday party this way, or I should this,” which she said puts extra stress on people.

Attempting to be Supermom or Superdad will only result in feelings of inadequacy. “The truth sometimes is we need to say, ‘I’m going to stop being a perfectionist and say I’m going to do just good enough” McBride confessed. “That might mean going to Brookshire’s or FRESH and picking up some cupcakes for the party.” It’s all about setting priorities. Is it more important to appear like a Martha Stewart to the other parents, or is it the priority that you are there for your children?

“I think that goes back to comparing yourself to other people,” McBride confessed. “The truth is that everybody is doing the best that they can. But it’s really hard to not compare yourself to everybody else and feel like, ‘Well, maybe I’m not doing a good enough job.’”

Another plague of Supermom and Superdad is the inability to just say ‘no.’ Some say ‘yes’ to so many projects it literally leads to hospitalization. And McBride reveals that moms often put others first to the point of neglecting self-care. “I don’t know how many that I’ve even had hospitalized – mothers – because what happens is you feel like you’re doing so much for everyone else all of the time, you kind of get off of your own priority list.” She said that not making time for yourself can negatively affect how you care for others. “If you don’t care for yourself then you don’t have the resources and the patience and energy to give that to your children, or your work or your husband – or to friends and family.”

The stress is real. So what is the solution? Both Brown and McBride agree that many families simply have too many activities scheduled for their children. McBride says she counsels many kids that are scheduled from sun-up to sun-down. Whether they are trying to keep up with the Joneses or the children are genuinely interested in that many activities, parents can always say ‘no’ to too many extracurriculars. You can also save them for a time of year that is less hectic. “Parents often allow the children to choose activities and do not choose to say ‘no,’ even though they realize it will make their schedule miserable and frustrating,” Brown clarified. “By the end of the day, the parents are tired and so are the children.”

In attempting to run children everywhere they need to be, some parents may feel more like a taxi service. “Parents do run around everywhere, but they opt to do this. It takes planning and schedules to avoid letting the children’s schedule run them.” For the Brown family, their plan was for each child to choose one activity (in addition to church and school activities). Limiting extras helped keep their schedule manageable. McBride also says that it helps to know your child’s tolerance for extra activities. What might be ‘over scheduling’ for some kids may be just enough to keep another from getting bored. But she does warn that children, like adults, do experience stress and can become overstressed from being over scheduled. In a worse-case scenario, children can also be hospitalized from too much stress.

“If you know your child you’ll be better equipped to observe the warning signs that they might be under stress ... a change in behavior, a change in sleep, a drop in grades, a change in their attitude. Those are warning signs to look for that over-scheduling might be an issue,” McBride said.

Organization can also be a fabulous time management tool for families with busy schedules. Lists and routines for children can help minimize chaos. Teaching them to help complete tasks on the list, like how to prepare their lunch, teaches responsibility and a sense of accomplishment. Things like choosing the next day’s outfits and packing lunches the night before not only saves you time, but also minimize chaos the morning of.

“The plan must be flexible. Find a system that works and stick to it. Develop a checklist and stick to it.” Brown said. “I found that with lists and routines back to school was simpler. I felt more organize and, yes, less stressed!”